Symptoms of Cretinism

I'd laugh at the sheer sickness of it all, if I could, but I can't. There are no excuses or words that are enough to justify what S did. And there are A LOT of excuses and words that can be said about that. But the fact of the matter is, it all just boils down to a simple fact: how much you don't care . How much you decide that you don't want care about everything that puts itself at odds with what you want. Right now, I'm just tired. So tired. I've had it with bandying words - big words like love, hurt, lies, disappointment, happiness, and so on. As far as I'm concerned, they're all semantics. They don't change anything, not this time, at least. What matters is that I stop caring. And if S can do it, I can too.

All those ten months were a lie. I know it now. She'll probably deny it, but I know it's true. So many broken promises, so many hurts - I know she has her share as well - so many secrets kept. All those I love yous - mere words. Sometimes I wish I were a jerk. I play by the rules and I always end up getting screwed over. But it's not in my nature to be one, I'm afraid. I'll always be this nice, easy, boring guy. Much less than the challenge women seem to want. Much less than the challenge SHE wants to have. It seems I was only a plaything - something to be discarded when I cease to be of interest. I was only good when it was convenient for her. I am angry. Not at her, but at me, for believing. For being so blind. For giving everything without a second thought. For having too much faith in her, for never doubting, for never having second thoughts. I want to forget her, even though a part of me is screaming "No!", but I know that I must. I want to stop hurti...

I wish my heart were cheap. So when I give it away and it comes back all beaten, bruised, and broken, it wouldn't hurt so much. And all I did was to try my best to love her. Is that the way relationships go? That commitments and promises are only as good as long as things are going well? I might refuse to believe that, but that's only me, I guess. It was always only me. I guess it still is, and will always be. Leave it to me to be the hopeless, not to mention pathetic, romantic that I am. It's my fault. It always is, somehow. Even if - for the sake of arguement - it wasn't, it makes no difference. Better to blame myself rather than point fingers at people who've already started walking away. And there's the saying, "it takes two to tango," so I'm sure that I must've stepped on quite a number of toes in that dance. It doesn't matter that I have more than a few sore toes myself, but as I said, there's no point impugning someone who's ...

Saying I love you Is not the words I want to hear from you It’s not that I want you Not to say, but if you only knew How easy it would be to show me how you feel More than words is all you have to do to make it real Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me Coz' I’d already know What would you do if my heart was torn in two More than words to show you feel That your love for me is real What would you say If I took those words away Then you couldn’t make things new Just by saying I love you More than words Now I’ve tried to Talk to you and make you understand All you have to do is close your eyes And just reach out your hands And touch me Hold me close don’t ever let me go More than words is all I ever needed you to show Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me Coz' I’d already know What would you do if my heart was torn in two More than words to show you feel That your love for me is real What would you say if I took those words away Then you couldn’t make things new...